Random Thoughts

Sunday, July 19, 2015

One of the many things that I have learned in life is that you must live your life for you.  Living a life that focuses more on the needs of others rather than on the needs of yourself will keep you gasping for air.  Sure, you need to think of the needs of others, but you have to be careful to find the balance of making sure that you do not neglect yourself for others.  When you neglect yourself, the emptiness becomes overwhelming.

I spent so much time and devotion trying to prove to my ex-husband that he needed to appreciate me. I would make him full course meals and bring them to his job for lunch. No appreciation. I would bake cakes and sweets.  No appreciation. I would buy him things that I felt he needed. No appreciation.  I wasted a lot of my younger years trying to make things better for him, while all the time sucking the dear life out of me. I neglected myself and lost sight of what I really wanted in life. When I decided that it was time to make a change, things turned around drastically.

Sometimes, putting me first feels really weird.  I struggle sometimes with focusing on me first, especially now that I have a new husband and five children(my three J's and my two step-children), while I am pregnant with number six. I want everyone that I come in contact with to have a good life and to have what they need. Yet, everyone that I come in contact with does not deserve to have me to focus more on what they need and neglect myself.  This spirit of discernment can go a really long way.

I have even thought about friendships that have dissolved.  Evaluating why they dissolved, I discovered that when I was no longer necessary for use, I was no longer needed as a friend.  Some of the people that I have been friends with actually benefitted from being my friend more than I benefitted from being their friend.  I am a firm believer of reciprocity. We should be in this together. I should be adding to your life, and you should be adding to my life.

The unpredictable nature of life has really prompted me to self-evaluate.  As long as you take care of you and make your own choices, especially since you have to deal with the consequences, you shouldn't live a miserable life, but a life that you can say was your own.  Live your life to the fullest.

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