Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I haven't written a blog post in a long time. I decided to write one tonight. Many things have happened, but I am starting to have faith that more good things will occur. Lately, I have finally been able to feel "balanced." This balanced feeling is so freaking amazing. Even when my ex-husband tries to provoke the "hood" out of me, I have calmed down quicker. In the past, I would allow the drama that he initiates to ruin my entire day. Now, the time allowed to bathe in his foolishness is quickly diminishing. Also, I have realized that I am ready to experience true love. The fear that my limited experience in relationships would control the chance of me being able to love someone is being chipped away daily. I have this new found faith that I can be loved and can love. I never thought I would experience this feeling. My relationship with my ex was an abundance of dysfunction from the very beginning. I was just so determined to "make" things work. Making things work is so silly. If it isn't working, then it must NOT be meant to be. No matter how you try to manufacture something, you cannot make it function properly. I haven't be in a committed relationship since my ex-husband. I often wondered if people even believed in monogamous relationships. So many people are fulfilling their marital vows, which a "side piece." That I started to question if monogamy was even the norm. Yet, I am grateful for my faith in the monogamous relationship. Monogamous relationships are not taboo. People exist, who want to date someone. People exist, who want to get to know the soul, spirit, and mind of a person. Not everyone is consumed and controlled by their sexual appetites. Having dealt with men, who could not see beyond their own sexual appetites, I had loss faith in the existence of true dating or courtship. I was starting to feel that dating was taboo. I started to think that since I was labeled divorced, my expectations and desires could not be met. I almost swam down the river of pitiful craving for companionship. Yet, I am now grateful for an experience that promotes dating and courtship. I am grateful for the promise of true companionship. I am grateful for being exposed to exactly how courtship and dating should take place. I have often looked at my parents and envied their college experience of courtship. As a child, I not only wanted to go to college to be successful, but I wanted to find my true love like my parents did. Seeing exactly how marriage and relationships should work by their long-term marriage, I have faith that I can have a strong and happy relationship with a man, who appreciates my unique personality and special ways. I am so grateful for the peace that I have after knowing that I am valued beyond my precious jewels. I am valued because I am a extraordinary woman, whose extraordinary heart loves and cares for all. Consequently, I am grateful for my desire to want to change my old ways of thinking about what I can have and what I cannot have. I am grateful to God that He has finally answered my prayers for my children, as well as for me. Today was a day that normally would have sent me overboard on stress level. Yet the balance that I now have access to in my life is just want I need to not allow stress to make me ill or kill me. I have never felt like this. I love every second. I am grateful for a second chance to get things right.

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