Tears

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

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Yesterday, I started my day about 4:45 am.  I did not end my day until 10:45 pm. After ensuring that all my children were tucked and warmly snuggled in their beds, I cried.  I cried because I realized that despite being there all the time for others, I must fend for myself and for my children.  I cried because I realized that I was back in superwoman mode.  I haven't been in full mode like this since Spring Semester 2013.  I cried because I needed someone to run to the store for me. I cried because I was frustrated.  I cried because I was tired.  I cried because I knew that no matter how tired, lonely, frustrated, or exhausted, I felt at this present moment, I would continue to make things happen, to push towards my goals, to maintain my household, to inspire my students, and to transition through the maze of life.

Knowing that I was on the verge of self-pity, self-doubt, and self-resentment, I did what I know best.  I called my parents. Despite the time, their busyness, and their exhaustion, my parents will answer the phone, will encourage me, and, most importantly, will pray for AND with me. Being able to talk and pray with my mom, I calmed down.  After our conversation, I read Psalms 3 in its entirety. Then, I closed my eyes.  I meditated on my  current strength and endurance that God has given me.

This morning, a new peace covered me, as the snow covered the icy cold ground.  I began my normal routine of getting everyone dressed and cooking breakfast.  Beyond being a professor, being a full-time graduate student, being a writer, I am a full-time single mother.  Deciding that I would take charge and get back on my grind of taking care of business, I was encouraged by the "snow day." Not because I was entitled to a day off work, I was able to renew my spirit.  



Thanks to this "snow day," I am able to cook and freeze meals for the week.  I am able to knock out an important task, which will free up other time.  Using my household notebook to delegate what I want to cook for the next two weeks, I am rediscovering a new love for cooking, which was one of my favorite things to do, while I was married.  

Those tears that I shed on last night were perfect.  I was able to get those negative feelings to out of the way.  I was able to entertain those feelings, without allowing them to drag me into a pitiful abyss, which would make me feel even worse.  

Hearing my professor tell me on yesterday that he was proud of me because I did not give up and drop out of my PhD program, I know anything worth having will be hard to achieve.  Those tears from yesterday fertilized the miracles that are about to happen in my life.


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