Superwoman...NO MORE...

Friday, May 18, 2012

I am sitting in my very own bed after spending eight days in the hospital. Eight days of being in pain on my back was pure hell for me.  However, today it dawned on me that within three months I have almost died twice.  I just turned 30. That was really a "WTF" moment.

I have spent so much time and energy on "perfecting" my successful life that I have probably wrecked havoc on my body.  Even though I had four tumors on my poor little liver, only one was removed.  My gall bladder was removed too. Today, I didn't even have an appetite. Somehow I found myself enforcing the liquid diet at home.  This diet was adamantly resented while I was in the hospital. The irony.

My friends and family truly came through this time. I saw it as clear as night and day. Beyond the texts, which I definitely need to bring to a minimum, there were calls, offerings of help, flowers brought and delivered, cards sent and delivered, and genuine out pouring of love. I really felt like I mattered to someone.

Sadly, these eight days made me realize I need to focus more on enjoying every minute. The asthma attack I had on the same day as one of my surgeries (the first surgery) scared me sooo bad. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't say I couldn't breathe.  All I could do was speak with my eyes. The message my eyes spoke was nothing but fear.  Yet seeing the fear in the medical staff, my children, my parents, my sister, and my friends was heart-breaking.

That very night, as I rolled over in pain, and threw up everything that was never inside me, I saw the helpless pain in my mother's eyes as she heard me scream in agony and proclaim that I was tired of being sick.

Life...

I have transformed so much since my divorce. I have grown. However, as I have grown to improve my well-being, I have ultimately neglected Cassandra.  I am determined to do that no more. I am determined to realize that Cassandra does not have to be superwoman throughout her entire life. Cassandra can ask friends and family to help to ease the burden.

My health has been quickly failing. First, I kept getting ill, losing my hair, and losing weight. Then, I was diagnosed with asthma. Then I was diagnosed with hypertension and branded with a small tiny pill designated as an important part of my life. Now, eight days of pure hell.

I looked in the mirror after taking a long shower. The scar from my first surgery, which stopped the blood flowing to the largest tumor on my life is gone. Yet, it was so painful.  The four incisions from my surgery yesterday aren't that large at all, but they are a freakish reminder that I am blessed to be alive.

I don't know what life has in store for me. I am determined to enjoy every year, week, day, minute, second, etc... of it. I have missed out on so many things, especially in the past ten years.

I am tearing down the "Great Wall of Overworking and Overpushing" Cassandra. Whatever comes my way once this wall is completely and permanently torned down is going to be embraced.

I have spent almost all of my 30 years being superwoman.  It's time to just be Cassandra.

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