How to Save Your Marriage

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Since this blog is about my life after divorce, I bet you wouldn't expect this kind of post. However, I know that someone reading it is still married and on the fence about getting a divorce. Not all marriages are destined to end in divorce. Some marriages survive. Even though my marriage did not survive, I am sure others still can.  My divorce ended not because I didn't fight for it, but because I had exhausted ever option and lost the fight.  If you cannot say that you have tried everything, then you don't need to get a divorce.  If you get a divorce and you haven't tried everything, then you will forever remain in the world of "what if."

I remember one attempt I did to save my marriage. When I was attending New Hope Baptist Church, I signed us up for a marriage class. The class was based on the book "10 Great Dates." There were a serious of 10 sessions. We purchased the book.  The purpose was to read the book and do the assignments. Then we congregated at church with other married couples and watched the related video for the designated date.  The church provided free childcare so that parents could have dates and participate.  Afterwards, you went on the specified date. I was so excited. I just knew I was going to get my marriage on track. Unfortunately, I was completely wrong.

Out of the 10 dates, we only went on two of them.  I remember the first one. I was driving. We argued about where to go. My ex-husband was not interested in following the directions. We ended up at Newks.  We argued while we ate and argued all the way back to church.  The next date I tried to impress my ex-husband.  He always complained about having to pay for stuff. He always made me seem like I was ungrateful and didn't appreciate him.  At the time, I was dealing with three children,being a stay-at-home mom, and one of them, my youngest, who was very sickly, was always my focus. I was also attending graduate school at Ole Miss, so that was taking my time too. I was driving back and forth from Oxford to Jackson almost daily. Sometimes, I just stayed in Water Valley with my parents.  Anyway, my funds were so limited, but I was determined to prove to my ex-husband that I cared for him.  I choose the place, Huntington Grille.  I was so excited. I was dressed and everything. We pulled up. Immediately, I knew it wouldn't work. He wasn't the least bit impressed.  We each had a three course meal. The ticket was $90, not including the tip.  As we left, he started an argument about how much money he normally spends, which wasn't much because whenever we did go out, it was an all-you-can-eat buffet AND the children were with us.  Needless to say. That was the last date.  During the time we were suppose to be fixing our marriage and dating each other, I discovered that he was cheating again, so I just gave up.

I still have the book. I have been trying to give the book away for years.  Unfortunately, ever attempt to give the book away has failed.  So what prompted me to write this post? I will tell you. I watched Fireproof today on Netflix. I remember when they showed the movie at New Hope. It was for married couples. By the time the movie came out, I was attending church alone, so it was no point in seeing it.  As I watched it, I realized that my marriage was so far gone when this movie came out, that it wouldn't have helped me.  However, I do believe that this movie can help other people, who are having a hard time with their marriage and are straddling the fence.  I love the Love Dare. Click on the link to see what the Love Dare is. If you can, I want you to try it.  Even if you don't think it will work, why don't you try it to see.  What will it hurt? If you clicked on this post, you are probably trying to find a way to save your marriage. So give it a try.

Being divorced is a world of its own.  Don't get me wrong. I am extremely happy, but at times I would love to share this happiness with a special someone.  I don't foresee myself getting married again. Shoot, I am not even dating someone, but people who are already married and wondering should know that being divorced is hard.  After sharing a bed with someone for years, you take for granted the simple arm around you as you sleep. When you are divorced, your bed is empty.  Having someone to do simple things with becomes a challenge.  Dating now is hard.  I not only have to be cautious of who I deal with, but I have to be cautious of who I introduce to my children and so much more.  Being divorce can get lonely. I survive because I pray and because I know how to turn loneliness into aloneness.  To master this that took time.  Being divorced also affects your sexual needs.  I am paranoid about catching a sexually transmitted disease.  I am paranoid about accidentally getting pregnant by someone I barely know. So you go without and practice celibacy because its safe.  So even though I have peace and happiness by being divorced, there are several downfalls.  Check out the Marriage Alive Website and their resources.  Try and save your marriage if you can.

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