A Conversation

Friday, September 30, 2011

I need to have a conversation, but I am not concerned about the response or if anyone will hear it. So, I am going to use my blog to have this one-sided conversation. The past two months have been a road of experiences. Some of these experiences ended on a good note. Other experiences started out good but ended sourly.

One situation is etched deep in my soul. I am not going to elaborate on it, but I will share that the experience was purely blissful and ended because I decided that it didn't align with exactly what I wanted. Now, when I think about it, my decision to end it really has taken a lot of guts. I almost feel grown. I almost feel like I am getting to the point in life where I make choices that demonstrate my wisdom, knowledge, and growth. Yet, I am having second thoughts.

Somehow I can't figure out exactly why these second thoughts are screaming at me and making me question the validity of my decision. So much of the experience was great. I was excited and perky and happy and etc.... However, the underlying issues that would have long term effects didn't add up to the excitement. 

Who doesn't want to feel a certain way, be happy more often, or enjoy some of life pleasantries? What cost are you willing to pay to enjoy these? I have been through so much over the years. I promise Tyler Perry's movies have nothing on my autobiography. At this present point, I am no longer interested in just what makes me feel good. I need more. I need it to matter. I need what I need. I want want I want. I cannot settle to just accept what I can get at the time. 

I remember being told the difference in the way men perceive a relationship and the way a woman perceive a relationship. In the conversation, this person pointed out the fact that I have three children and that it would be difficult for me to find someone, who will meet my expectations, because of my children. In essence, women, like me, settle for whatever man they can get and put up with things, as well as deal with things that do not or should not occur to be in a relationship. However, with men, choosing a woman of their liking is easy, and they can move from woman to woman with no problems. 

With that in mind, I am determine to remain steadfast with my five qualities for friendships and/or relationships.  If I never have the type of friendships or relationships I want, I want to be able to say because I chose to have it this way. I don't want to deal with just taking what I can get at the time and calling it a friendship or relationship.

That experience is constantly teaching me discipline. Having discipline is a hard thing to do. Sometimes, what's easier is not the best thing for you. Who would have thought?

My plate is full and overflowing. I have so much going on in my life. This experience has taught me more about myself in a month than I would have thought was possible. I believe that this experience is going to send me in the right direction.

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