Change

Sunday, August 21, 2011

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.      - Harrison Ford -

I haven't written in a very long time. Checking the date of my last post, I noticed that I haven't posted in over a month.  So much have changed within so little time. My ex's brother was shot in the head.  His death changed how we interacted. We were getting along. We went school shopping for the children. Things were progressing almost like we were about to be husband and wife.  Ironically, "a tiger never changes its stripes." Hearing someone say continuously they have changed, but noticing that they are still the same person, who is doing the same things, I just can't get with that. Things are now back to how they were.  We are not even cordial anymore. Sadly, the entire month of July was a month of unsuspecting change that was needed to wrangle any second thoughts, creeping up in my mind.

Tomorrow, I will begin my first class in my PHD program. To me, this is the strangest thing. Sometimes, I felt that I needed to do so much to prove that I was not a statistic and that I was smart and successful.   Here I am at the mountaintop and just can't believe I am here. My entire idea of success has change. Consequently, the change has been for the better. Isn't that good too?

Since the last time I posted, I changed jobs.  I am now a full-time English instructor. Being able to do what I love so much and getting paid for it, I am in a place of true happiness. I feel so blessed right now. I am so thankful to God that he answers prayers.

Funny, yesterday, when I was in New Orleans, I was reminiscing about how God answered my prayers. I prayed three years to be married. I prayed another three years to be divorced. I prayed two years to get a full-time teaching position.  Prayer works. God listens. Life changes. God NEVER CHANGES.

As I am sitting comfortably in my bed alone, I am at peace.  Surrounded by the echoes of the birds, singing the praises of life, I understand that the changes, which I had to go through both in my past and recently, prepared me for today and tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder if I have changed too much. Is too much change a bad thing? In October, I will celebrate a one year anniversary for my liberation.  Sadly, my divorce is not final. He just won't sign. Ironically, I am fine with that because I have my own life. I have my own place in life. I have my own dwelling, and I know that one day my divorce will be final.

I wonder will I ever date again. Have I changed so much that I could date someone? I think that the change I have experienced, perhaps, has made me ready to date again. Gasps. Did I just say that I was ready to date? hmmm. Perhaps, the trip to New Orleans and listening to my friend's provoked advice (smile) had a lasting impression.  Now the question remains...who would I date? When would I find the time to date?

I do not meet men that are on my level.  The ones I feel like I could be drawn to based on educational background, lack substance.  The ones, who lack educational background, often think I am talking down or over their heads. Sometimes, they don't understand why I value reading and why going to get my PHD is important.

I am interested in meeting someone, who can make love to mind. He has to be able to connect with me.  I am looking for a connection.  To be able to connect with someone in all areas - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - should be the reason why someone is in a relationship right? Did I say relationship? I know I don't want a relationship. Or do I? I just want companionship, but a deeply connected companionship. Is that too much to ask for right now? Ha!

So I have journeyed towards discussion on dating and relationships...Who would have thought?

 What change have you experienced? How do you react to change?

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