Losing Sight

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Forgetting what's really important can slam you up against a wall. Never before have I lost sight of what I want out of life, until now. I guess it really is true that you do not miss something until it is gone.  Do not get me wrong, I do not miss my ex and the chaos surrounding being with him over a ten year span. Yet, I miss the idea and the feeling of belonging to someone. That is something I never thought I would miss. I notice couples, husbands and wives, and families now more than ever. This feeling is almost like when you notice that everyone has a car like yours only after you buy it.

Sitting in church today, I was so distracted by the families together. It was like an epidemic. Husbands were sitting with the children and their wives, enjoying the church services. Then, I looked at where I was sitting. No children with me.  They were with their father.  No significant other, sitting on either side of me.  Just an empty space for someone unknown to fill to the left and to the right of me.  I became frustrated. Sitting in church with the sounds of songs lifted up to God, I became frustrated. Frustrated that I was alone. Frustrated that what I valued was being in a complete family. Frustrated that I was a single parent. Frustrated that my children have to deal with the divorce and  separation. Frustrated that I haven't met anyone worth anything. Frustrated that I went to church alone. Frustrated that I was perceived as being too independent and too intimidating to have a man. Frustrated that my ex still sees the women he cheated on me with. Just frustrated.

When I left church, I came straight home. Then it me like a ton of rocks. I AM LOSING SIGHT OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT.  I am focusing on being alone. Yet, I am not alone. I have my family. I have my friends. I have my wonderful children, who call me when they are with their father and count down when they will be back with me. Was I alone at church? Jesus was with me. God was with me. How selfish of me to think that God AND Jesus were not important enough for me to value their existence. Yes, I have lost sight of what mattered.

Does it really matter if a man goes to church with me? There were times, when my ex and I went to church (after I fussed and cussed about him not going), we were there together but not there together. I was still alone.  There were times when I wanted my ex to take me to a movie or go out to eat with me. He didn't want to go with me. After I fussed and cussed some more, he unhappily went. He was there filling up the space, but I was there still alone. So does it really matter?

I have lost sight of what's really important. I am finally in a peaceful state. I can come home to my apartment and have peace AND quiet. I can do the things I want to do, without fussing and cussing to do them. I can be me without trying to draw attention to what I am in order for my ex to value me and see me as more valuable than the women he was cheating with at the time. I have lost sight of God's grace and mercy making a way for me to be able to survive beyond the chaos. I have lost sight of what's important and began trying to seek another significant other to prove that I can replace my ex.

Now it is time to refocus. It is time to recognize I am valuable being me and being single. I am valuable to God. I am valuable to family. I am valuable to my friends. I am valuable to my children. I am valuable to the students I teach.  Time to focus on the good in my life. Time to dwell on the positive things that are unfolding daily. Time to focus on the progress I have made. Time to focus on the goals I have accomplish. Time to focus on the goals I want to accomplish. Time to focus on what is going good for me now. Time to focus on what is necessary for me to get to the next thing in life. Time to focus on developing a better relationship with Jesus and God. Time to uplift my children to be all they can be. Time to stop losing sight on what really matters. Time to live in the moment.

Have you ever lost sight of what mattered? Are you losing sight of what matters now? How did you regain your focus?

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