Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I often wonder what the experience would be like to be completely free.  What exactly do I mean? I mean exposing who you are inside and out without having any regrets on feelings of apprehensive.  During my marriage, I expected to expose me and feel free. However, when an argument would come up, whatever I had exposed would always come up, even if it wasn't related. I could have done the same, yet I never did. After experiencing this several times, I immediately learned that holding back was more beneficial than exposing. This holding back has transpired in everything I do now.  I am my unique self, but I am my unique self in parts, not whole.

Even when it comes to other things throughout my life (work, social and etc...), I do not fully expose myself. I hold back parts of me. Perhaps, I hold back because I am a mother and I am expected to behave a certain way. Or because I am an educator and professor. Or because I am a lady. Or because I have been raised a certain way. Or because.... hmmm... Can I really define why I hold back?

I would like to be open and just share what I am feeling or thinking at all times and just be free. Free of wondering what you would think if I really shared my opinion. Free of the stares that would follow if I acted a certain way or dressed a certain way. Free of the worries of what you "might think" of me.

Then I begin to wonder, if I am free and expose who I am all 100% of me (instead of in doses like I am accustomed to), can I expect others to do the same? Is it completely impossible to expose who you are? What happens if you are not completely aware of who you care? What do you expose then? Is there a time limited on being free? What restrictions should be placed on free? Do you benefit from exposing who you are?

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  1. ok trying to post this for the second time hmph!!

    Now trying to recall what I wrote earlier.

    Great post!!
    I dont think this is an uncommon topic tho. You should be able to find write ups on this in family and relationship related books. Why do I think it’s uncommon? I and my siblings had the same experience with my Dad, when ever there was an issue/argument, he brought up a completely unrelated story and just generally made things worse. The result; we all lost confidence in him and only used to hook up with him when we needed money or the likes. Somehow he was comfortable with this. But now that we don’t need his money nobody really talks to him, I mean I try but it can be hard to express something you don’t feel.

    Family should be the place where everybody involved can just be laid back and be themselves, both the children and the couple involved. It should be a place where we can always turn to at all times even if the world fails us, a sort of last line of defense. In the family children should not feel intimidated or afraid to express themselves at any point in time. Intimidation and fear rather than expressing oneself would only lead to bottling up of feelings and hurt. And one thing I have learned about bottled up feelings is that it can lead to a burst of expressions when you least expect it.

    Hope you don’t mind me saying this but perhaps some of those times you got into an argument with your ex, you could have easily overlooked the situation and let things be, but some of those bottled up feelings you had compounded the situation and made you react differently.

    I’m not perfect, but I wouldn’t want my kids to lose their trust in me, cos every time I perform a single act that makes my child question my loyalty toward him/her I’ll have to work ten times harder just to regain their trust. I wouldn’t want to betray my wife’s confidence either, cos that would mean spending large chunks of money buying her fav gifts just to appease her and win her confidence back. No mam!! I’ll rather save that money or use it to spoil us not just her.

    Well the family is the place where we should just be our selves at all times and really have nothing to hide, knowing that whatever we do to each other we do out of genuine love and care, and those around you always have your best interest at heart. And also a few trusted friends can fall in this category.

    Like I said you should easily find books that deal with topics like this, perhaps in the child upbringing and relationship sections. Btw us ur the one who reads more. I always find myself reading tech books and journals these days, but when I grow up I’m going to be like you, LOL!!

    If you do find such books do share with me.