Sunday, April 10, 2011

Yesterday, I noticed that some of my "twamily" were "tweeting" about relationships, dating, and sex.  Having been in/out relationships most of my life, I actually value relationships. However, since I have been "out the loop" so long, the norm in society is "dating" and not being in  committed relationships.  So that brings me to ask this question: Are relationships taboo?

Watching television, reading books, and participating in social networks, I have seen firsthand that many people are not in relationships. Many of my friends are not in relationships. I can count on one hand how many are married. I can use two hands for the ones that are in committed relationships. Yet, I can run out of hands, feet, toes, etc for the people I know, who have friends with benefits.

When it comes to a relationship, do you find yourself scaling down your requirements for the security? From my own experience, I overlooked many things because I found comfort in knowing that someone was there, even if they didn't give me the 100% I gave.  Now, when things like a snake appears on my doorstep, I am responsible for taking care of the situation. In the past, I would make a call or text message and things like getting my car looked at or taking it to the shop was done by my significant other.

Don't get me wrong. I value being capable of doing things for myself and knowing how. My dad made sure of that. However, my dad also demonstrated the way a man behaves in a relationship. So seeing what could possibly be done, highlights what should be occurring for you. Or am I wrong? It's just certain expectations that occur. Like traveling and checking in with a significant other to let them know that you made it. Do those types of things occur if you are dating or have a friend with benefits?  Are there certain restrictions on certain things that would normally occur in a relationship?

Having been in a situation that cause a lot of hurt, I am personally skeptical about relationships.  There are so many avenues to cheat and break commitments or covenants and NOT get caught (at least for a while). Who wants their heart broken and their trust violated? I still cannot grasp why a person engages in a committed relationship and engages in "extracurricular activities." Yet, there are many benefits to being in a relationship. I saw one of my friends last night with her significant other. They were glowing, and it was really cute.What encourages you to commit to someone?

Have you calculated the risks associated with "dating" and "exploring?" Would you continue a friendship with someone, who says they are dating others?

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  1. Things that make you say hmmmmm. I love the insight you have given here. How we "relate" to each other has changed how we have relationships amongst ourselves. In reality relationships are a part of what makes You learned the things from your dad because of the relationship with him. The friends you saw is a relationship you have with them. Relationships are not taboo, but the way we look at them have changed. Intimate partner relationships still exists, but like you said the commitment factor is low is low. The friends with benifits share a relation with each other but on a different scale of the normal thought out relationship. Again loved this, you have me thinking.

  2. There is no security in a relationship. That's the bait set for the steel trap.

    Everything from "Would you kill a spider for me or take out the trash?" to "Are you at least going to stay *faithful* while we're married?" are just assumptions, baiting you until you're at a point you look around and all the friends he separated you from are gone, he's used up all your credit and you'll never be able to pay his debt, you have two small kids to worry about losing. Suddenly you find yourself very owned.

    Relationships aren't taboo, they're just foolish.

  3. I think people are reluctant to "fully commit" because they have been hurt or just haven't found a person worthy of them. I personally have been in every type of relationship one can think of and all these years later I have fallen in love with my best friend of 13yrs. Sometimes we just have to be patient and wait for "the one"...but how are you gonna find him/her unless you get out there.

    As far as infidelities and things of that sort, when it is right, really right, God sent right, you won't have to worry about that. The problem for most is waiting for the right one.- S. King

  4. We were created as different sexes by the Almighty with roles and responsibilities. Giving someone of the opposite sex an opportunity to fulfill their role is a privilege as well as satisfactory to that person. As a man, it's a privilege for me to open the door, fix a tire, to offer my chair to a female when there's no other available. It makes me feel manly and it's gratifying. This satisfaction is even magnified when you have a special someone that every now and then "needs" you to perform your role for them (there's a sense of perfection in this case than the random opening of doors etc).

    This obviously also applies to the female gender as it's also a privilege and satisfaction for them to have someone open the door for them, and fix a bad tire and generally do those "manly" things, it's gratifying to be acknowledged as a female, with all due respect to the "feminists" out there. It's also a greater satisfaction when as a female, there a special someone that you can call upon at any time and you wont feel disturbed that you burden them with additional responsibility. As a matter of fact they expect that you should call them when such situations arise ... because it is their role and it is gratifying.

    Having established (or at least tried to) that our sexes have roles which are a privilege to perform and as well gratifying. It is important to note that we should be careful who we grant these privileges to.

    Many people take advantage of the fact that we desire to perform our roles (sometimes not even aware) and are very selfish and mean about it (sometimes not even knowing too). These people seek their personal gratification/satisfaction at the expense of their partner.

    I have assumed here that it is obvious that sex is a privilege that is reserved only for the very very very special someone.

    There is no reason other than selfishness why you should desire to be the special someone of more than one person as it was designed by the Almighty and is meant to be.

    I have tried to as concisely as possible establish that relationships are "designed" to be great for both parties involved, offering then fulfillment and satisfaction.

  5. You explained that your Dad created a model for you of how a man should behave in a relationship and by default you expected the same in your relationships. (Not sure why but I've tried hard so far not to use bible passages to backup my writings as I normally do and will try to maintain that trend and use life experiences instead).

    I on the other hand did not have a Dad or Mom to look up to as a model, as they were never there for themselves or me. Luckily for me (I really mean by grace), at a very young age I realized this handicap and strongly desired to grow up to be a responsible man who will stand by one woman and make her proud and also make my kids proud like I didn't really get to experience. I must have been about 13 or 14 then.

    This desire lead me to read several books (esp. the Bible) in search of what will make a man/woman who at a young age desires to have a wonderful family (as everybody does then) end up a jerk (permit me) at the end of the say. More importantly I started observing those around me the good the bad the ugly and each time I tried to trace what was responsible for their actions.

    This is not an easy task but I can say having done that for decades I have become quite adept in discerning peoples character. A few minutes with you is all i need to decipher a pattern.

    In a nutshell I have learned from doing this that even tho i was born into a bad relationship (that of my parents) good relationships do exist. I have also learned to an extent why relationships turn bad and why others remain good. It largely depends on the characters of the individuals involved and their understanding of relationships. Many of them don't see it the way I have explained it above and more importantly don't agree with their partners model.

    Just for the record, as a person who has studied characters for decades, you should be happy to know that I wont be spending so much time commenting on your blog if I didn't think you have a great character.

    So what's ur opinion of my ... well opinion

  6. Chetro- You examine all avenues of relationships. I didn't consider our every day interactions. Do you believe that our commitment in friendships affect our commitment levels in intimate relationships?

    Anonymous #1 - Ironically, I can actually related to your belief that relationships are foolish. Feeing owned, being abused, and dealing with cheating dictates our perception of what a relationship should be, can be, and will be. Don't we equate relationship as a security blanket to handle life?

    Anonymous #2 - I am so happy that you found "the one," even though your friend was right underneath your nose the entire time! :-) However, what happens when "the one" you prayed for turns out to be the "wrong one?" Is it even possible in today's society to find "the one?"

  7. My dear friend, TruNedu, I am reply to your response. I promise I won't ask questions (well not directly)! ;-). Gratification of role fulfillment is true. The longer I spend living alone, the more I recognize this as being true. A baby snake was on the steps to my apartment one night last week. I couldn't call anyone to help. I had to be self-reliant. Yet, I knew that if my Dad was in the area, he would have come to the rescue. My reality now is that I am fulfilling the role of the woman and the man. I am proud that I can handle that but it would be nice to have only be responsible for my role. One can only wonder if gratification of role fulfillment can coexist with personal and/or self-gratification, if more people would remember that relationships are a direct result of dual/shared gratification, then perhaps more relationships would succeed. The reality is that we are in a society that functions off of personal and instant gratification. I wished that I had the gift to discern people's characters. I find myself learning from life experiences. Maybe that is a better teacher?!

  8. As myself being in a committed relationship, very committed, I see things that are coming into my path I treat my woman with honor and respect, but she does not trust me as far as she can see, but won't admit it. I also see that it is very easy to get caught up in extra curicular activities as you stated, but why is is that other and past women come at me like a shark to chum in the sea. sometimes i feel tempted, but I remember what and who I have maybe she will ease up on me, maybe not. I do know that we have many issues and obsticals in our way and we are dealing with such. I do things that man should just seeing after the care house etc. Working on being more a romantic and a lover to her... but I guess life is a hell of a teacher.. and Jealous and protective girl friends too.

  9. I missed one of your questions, there's nothing wrong with having friends who will be there for you every now and then as friends. In fact that's one of the best ways of getting to know people's character properly before getting into anything serious. It doesn't matter if they are dating someone or not as long as there are no strings attached but the love of God.

    I'll expect that my girl friend (if I had one) will be proud of me for helping a friend out of certain situations rather than bitter. If nothing it markets her choice of a man. So yes it's okay and even necessary to make friends of like minds.

    I also forgot to mention that it's better to be single and play both roles than to give privileges to selfish dogs. I mean it's better to leave the dogs for the dogs, they should understand their life styles (be not unequally yoked with unbelievers).

    I don't quite get your question about personal/self-gratification.

  10. Being friends is important I would say that. If you had a girlfriend, who would be proud of you for helping a friend out, I would hope that you find someone that wasn't insecure and had trust in you. If you didn't I could see that being a major problem. I understand what you mean when you say playing both roles can be better than dealing with someone, who is extremely selfish.